Hi5 Vault
Remember Hi5? The social networking site everyone was addicted to beforeFacebook? Well, when I was still a member of it, I used to get messages from complete strangers. I didn’t mind so much because they used to make me laugh.
A while back, I created a blog where I stored all the silly messages I got. As I’m doing an Internet spring clean, I’m getting rid of the blog but I couldn’t bare to part with the messages and the responses I had written.
So I bring to you, my readers, my Hi5 message vault! Let the LOLs begin…
*Italics = My response.
From: Sunny
HI bhavna HOWR U DOING. THIS IS DAVE FROM LONDON, 26 YRS, WORKING FOR MYSELF. WOULD WANNA KNOW MROE ABT U N MAKE FRIENDS WITH U. WRITE BACK AT D****55@HOTMAIL.COM AND LETS KNOW MORE ABT EACH OTHER. HOPE TO SEE UR QUICK REPLY AND LETS MEET UP SOMETIME IF POSSIBLE. I M IN LONDON FOR A MONTH AND LOOKINGFORWARD TO MAKE GOOD FRIENDS WITH U. WRITE BACK NOW AND LETS GET CONNECTED. U CAN CALL OR TEXT ME AT ***********. BYE N TAKE CARE LUV N LUCK DAVE
Mate, you see that button on your keyboard next to the letter ‘A’? Press it. It will get rid of those nasty capital letters that you seem to love so much.
From: Aaron
hey u how u doin, hope u cool, jus came across ur profile n i thought id say hi get back 2me wen u get time by the way…………nice smile.x.
Once upon a time, I used to type like that too. Then I realised just how much of an idiot I sounded like. Wise up boy. Embrace English, don’t abuse it.
From: Raj
hai hai kuri, u is welll beutiful u knw, lol…jus thought i tel u that, and plus bhavna is a wiked name, waheeyyyyyyyyy…lol….randomness i knw but ah vell :P take creeeeeeeee rajjjjj
Don’t worry Raj, I’ll make sure I take ‘creeeeeeeee’.
From: Muhammadali
hiya how r u?how is life and wat u been upto? i m ALI and i wanna be ur friend and want to chat wif u if u dnt mind can i hav ur mail add plz waiting for ur reply hope to chat wif u soon bubbye
I’m good. Life could be better. I like the way you emphasise your name and it’s nice that you want to be my friend. You want my e-mail address? Of course I’ll give it to you. Ha! In your dreams retard.
From: Asad
hi there whats up hows life goin on………..hope treating u well
He’s got a full stop fetish.
From: Sethu
I am a simple person and I come from a middle class family background. I am well educated & belong to a cultured family. I am honest, sincere loyal. I especially value friendship. I prefer female friends. I love reading and love to talk on various topics. My friend whom I am looking for should be of similar interests as mine. they’re should be honest, loyal and sincere like me. Above all, I am interested in long term friendship.
Somebody spent some time in Microsoft Word didn’t they? This message made me laugh out loud. It just sort of sounded like some guy looking for a girl to get to know so he could marry her. Freshies, they are only ever after one thing… Citizenship.
From: SPIN
hey how u doin?names ahsan 4om souf lon..was jus on hi5 n u cought my eye so i thought why not send u a message n try my luk..lol…newayz wat u do4 alivin?single?taken?will b waitin 4ur reply..tc..l8r..x
Keep on waiting mate.
From: Reena
hiya u looking sexy in yr pic :-) messge me bak xxxx
Umm… No.
From: Jaiesh
hey u ayt? how u doin? chek out mi profile, if ya wna chat messge me? takecre
Sho fin blad. Ill gt ryt on dat.
From: Sunny
hey ya !how u doin?got yahoo or msn by any chance?so let me know if u ve got either of them -Shall get to know u better-cheers tata.Xx
Yes, I have both Yahoo and MSN but you’ll never get added to my contacts list.
From: Jaimin
hi bhavna can you add me as a freind if you want to would like to get to no you if you want to tht is if dnt then cool i like your profile its good an like ti get to no you
My immediate thought after reading this? Try using some punctuation dickhead. I cannot understand most of what he has written but whatever it says, my answer? NO!
From: Raj
hi neva seen any1 look dis sexi in glasses!!
Raj, you’re a fucker.
From: ravi
Hello babe waz happenin. I was wondering if u had MSN and if you do u can add me ma add is ******@hotmail.co.uk or u can add me. I jus moved to london 4rom Bristol so u can show me around. by the way u look bare buffff.
C U later sexyyyyyyyyyyy
Aha! Ravi, I was wondering if I could meet you in person so I could say fuck off to your face or if I could meet you in person so I could say fuck off to your face. Stupid twatbagggggggggg.
From: Rajen
Hey bhavnaaaaa!!!
It’s funny, I wasn’t aware my name had so many As in it. You’d think he’d be able to spell it right what with it being RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM when he’s typing his message!
From: Ahmed
Hi BABE,Im Ahmed,OHH WOOW ur so sexy looking.I’ve neva seen any1 like U b4.CALL ME,if U wana Chill out N hav FUN,my NUMBER is *********** .I’M A SAFE GUY BABEZ.PLEASE PLEASE READ THIS MAIL N CHECK OUT MY PROFILE CAREFULLY B4 U REPLY.If ur Interested,then MAIL or TXT me ur NUMBER,so I would know WHO I’m talking to.WHATS UR NUMBER SEXY ? If U got T-mobile,thats even better,I get FREE in the EVENING.We’ll Chat N See How It GOES.I Really FANCY U Baby.IF UR NOT INTERESTED,then ACCEPT my APOLOZY to WASTE ur Time.Thnx AHMED
LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LAUGHING. MY. SHIT. OUT. For me, this has to be the funniest Hi5 message that I’ve ever received!
DUDE! Like u have NO CHANCE in HELL! Pls ACCEPT my APOLOZY if u feel HURT and SAD and ALONE. Actually allow it, I don’t care about what you feel. LEWZER!
From: Ketan
H R U I SEE U
PHOTO U LOOK VERY NICE
THAN I DECIDED TO MAKE ME U MY FRIEND
SO U ACCEPT MY FRIENDSHIP
GIVE U E-MAIL-ID
OK BYE
TAKE CARE
KETAN
ME AM LIKING PIE
ITCH BACK NICE IS NOT
DOUCHEBAG YOU ARE IS
NOT AM YOU GETTING E-MAIL-ID
AM SEE YOU STUPID
SO I DECIDED TO RIP THE PISS
ACCEPT THE PISS
BYE
HIT YOURSELF
BHAVNA
Ahahahahaha. Forreal though, what?!
Keyboard Lulz
- El Soy: Shit man, I left a book on my keyboard and it just went: uuuuuu.
- Bhavvie: Lol, I left my face on the keyboard and it went: akhfrafoadg9asdfknbgasd. I'm a turbulent sleeper.
Uni doesn’t hand out balls with your diplomas, do they now?!
If You'll Have Me, I'm Yours
- El Soy: Oh man.
- Bhavvie: WOMAN!
- El Soy: LOL! *exposes breasticles* TAKE ME!
- Bhavvie: *cringes* TAKE IT BACK!
Piece of Me
I’m Mrs Lifestyles Of The Poor and Homeless
(You want a piece of me?)
I’m Mrs Oh My God, She’s So Not Blameless
(You want a piece of me?)
I’m Mrs Quickly, Quickly, She’s In A Bin
(You want a piece of me?)
I’m Mrs Have No Food, That’s Why I’m Thin
(You want a piece of me?)
She Sucks Dude, Accept It!
- Ash: You know who is so great?
- Bhavvie: Me and God. Actually God is better.
- Ash: OK, second to God.
- Bhavvie: Me.
- Ash: No! Halle Berry!
- Bhavvie: Pfft, Halle Berry sucks! Just like your face. Oooohhh SNAP!
- Ash: No! Halle Berry ROCKS!
- Bhavvie: When it comes to sucking yeah.
- Ash: No! She's so great, she can even make a crap movie like Catwoman worth watching.
- Bhavvie: OMG! That movie!
- Ash: Was awesome!
- Bhavvie: What was the point of it? She wasn't even Selina Kyle! What's the point of having a Catwoman movie if they aren't even going to have the original Catwoman?! It's like having a Superman movie but instead of Superman, we get this other dude from Krypton who SUCKS!
- Ash: That would be quite funny, imagine everyone waiting for him... Lol. You know she's good though...
- Bhavvie: Soy, do me a favour and tell Ash how much Halle Berry sucks.
- Ash: No! Take my side!
- Bhavvie: I swear, if she agrees with you, she's getting shanked.
- El Soy: Okay, Halle Berry sucks bum bum!
- Ash: What was that? You like her too?
- El Soy: Huh?!
- Bhavvie: Face it Ash, you are her only fan.
- Ash: Never! The World is not against me!
- El Soy: I AM LARGE ENOUGH TO BE THE WORLD AND I DO NOT CONCUR.
I Look Like Who?
- Ash: OMG! IS THAT A PHOTO OF YOU? [Referring to new MSN display picture of me from when I went to a photoshoot]
- Bhavvie: No, it's of Morgan Freeman.
- Ash: Really? Did anyone tell you that you look like her?
- Bhavvie: Him. Morgan Freeman is a guy.
- Ash: Well him then.
- Bhavvie: I never realised I looked like an ageing black man. Thanks for letting me know.
- Ash: Well you know colour blind people can't tell the difference between black and white.
- Bhavvie: Or male from female?
- Ash: Lol, totally.
More Corresponding With God
I really need to start having conversations with my actual friends.
Dear God,
Heat please!
Love, Bhavvie.
***
Dear Bhavvie,
No.
Love and kisses, God.
***
Dear God,
Why not?
Frowns and sadness, Bhavvie.
***
Dear Bhavvie,
Because I said so.
Not caring, God.
***
Dear God,
Fair enough.
Bhavvie.
***
Dear Bhavvie,
Just kidding! But see your local caregiver and provider of stuffs for further help, kay?
G
O
D.
***
Dear God,
You the GOD God.
Toasty and warm, Bhavvie.
***
Dear Bhavvie,
Thanks! *winks*
THE GOD.
Corresponding With God
I needed some paper, so I asked for a little divine assistance.
Dear God,
Please send paper.
Bhavvie.
***
Dear Bhavvie,
I gave you legs, you lazy cow. USE THEM!
Many thanks, God.
***
Dear God,
I agree with you to a certain extent. You did give me legs but you also gave me a knee problem. Thanks for that. Really appreciate it.
Bhavvie.
***
Dear Bhavvie,
It is indeed true that I gave you crappy knees that don’t work properly but I also blessed you with arms.
LEARN TO USE THEM.
Many thanks, GAWD.
***
Dear God,
You also gave me bad shoulders :(
Ba-vee.
***
Dear Bhavvie,
Oh yeah. My bad.
Gawd.
***
Major kudos to my friend El Soy for playing the part of God and giving me a much needed laugh during our MSN conversation.
